Goodbye Bowzer, I love you.
Bowzer came into my life as the only boy of a litter of 6. The only baby colored like his dad, with a white blaze up the middle of his nose as even as can be. Bowzer was a thousand dollar puppy, at the time, I could never afford something so pricey. It was my dream to own a bull terrier, and I had made a friend online. This friend, owned Bowzer's dad, whom she had allowed him for stud service in Las Vegas. She and I had been talking for awhile now, and she knew of my desire to get a bull terrier and as a good deed out of someones heart, hundreds of miles away, someone I never met, helped me get Bowzer. Bowzer was mine, he had a name before I had him, named after a video game I grew up playing. By three weeks of age, the breeders wanted to get paid for a puppy, and decided to offer Bowzer to me early. They told me the mother didn't want to nurse them anymore, and that I could bottle feed him at home. I decided, unknowing to me how potentially dangerous an act like this could be. I never met Bowzer's mother, they didn't let her out because they said she was wild, and could be protective over the pups. I come to learn with time, that she was most likely just an unstable dog like her son. Without siblings to spend another 3-8 weeks with as most babies should, they lose a lot of the bite inhibition they so desperately need at that age. At four weeks of age, his nasty attitude began to surface. Just taking Bowzer away from a situation he wanted to be in would cause a frenzy of snarls and snaps, almost like a puppy tantrum of sorts. I worked on his issues and would lay him on my arms on his back until he calmed down and relaxed.
Bowzer was mainly normal for most of his adolescent life, except for a few concerns here and there. I was no expert, he was my first bullie and I made a few mistakes. I taught Bowzer many things, how to sit for a treat, how to hold a cookie on his nose, how to jump on command, chase a ball, weight pull, hang from a rope hung from a tree. But there were things I just couldn't teach Bowzer, things that he just was not capable of grasping.
I think some things Bowzer experienced in time did help mold him into the dog he became. While, I still firmly believe a truly stable dog should be able to bounce back, some dogs are just genetically predisposed to being a certain way. As an adolescent he lunged at a child, narrowly missing her to my extreme shock , granted the child was running strait at him, yelling "DOGGIE" it didn't help calm my nerves that my dog just almost grabbed a child. I worked on his issues with children, taking him to parks, keeping him at a distance while the children would pet my other, perfectly stable pit bull/english pointer mix. He did actually get over his fear of children, one of few accomplishments of his time. He did not however, recover from his fear of parking lots, where heavy traffic was, carts and moving vehicles, and he still trembled greatly at the site and sound of a skate board. To help him with the skate board phobia, I took one out, played on it, and encouraged him to check it out, he attempted to bite at it, was confident and not insecure. But if a different child rode by on one, the sky was most definitely falling.
He had a few occasions been wrongfully attacked by other dogs, times where he was looking the other way, and basically jumped. Bowzer was never INNOCENT with other dogs, he was never one to back down from a good fight, but before he ever learned to be that way, he had those experiences. His selective dog aggression continued to escalate through out the years, any dog in a muzzle was an immediate threat because every time a dog was wearing one, it meant to him, bodily harm.
I worked for a vet clinic for a few years where Bowzer spent a large portion of his life. I remember my vet telling me Bowzer would grow up angry and lost because he was taken too early as a puppy, perhaps it did play a part, but again, a dog with great genetics is not so easily switched over from sane, to not so sane simply by an early departure. Many times pups are born into a life without siblings, and they don't all just go mad. At the clinic I worked for my main vet was a teacher for new vets out of school. We had several learning from him at a time and this one, in particular caused Bowzer to lunge and growl while in the kennel at work. The vet said to me once 'I like your dogs, but that black dog, that one I don't like, he barks too much.' I laughed it off, later I would realize, the feeling was mutual.
Bowzer had been in a fight with my other dog at the time, and was badly injured, I took him to work to see if he needed a drain, and to have it shaved and cleaned. Three vets from our hospital were circled around Bowzer taking turns examining his wounds, for educational purposes I suppose. Bowzer was fine, happy and nonchalant. It did change when the doctor who had said prior to not liking Bowzer walked passed him, and my dog went through the roof. He attempted to jump off the exam table, made direct eye contact with the doctor and growled and barked as if he was some sort of police dog after a criminal. Startled I held him back and the doctor had a look on his face that he was just caught red handed. There was no doubt in my mind at this point, this doctor had been antagonizing my dog and I just never caught him. No way Bowzer would pick one person out of four, single him out as if to say 'im out of the cage now big guy, come give me the time of day!' Sometimes the proof is in the dog.
Years went by and I continued to handle Bowzer and his special "quirks" as I called it. Some of the strangest things would set him off. At one point in his life he stopped taking his reprimanding with a low head and ears back to a firm growl when ever he felt I was mad or irritated with him. Nothing I did curbed the behavior, and I did try anything. At dog parks he had been in several fights, with the majority of the time him NOT being the instigator but reacting to abuse. His selective dog aggression got to the point that anything even remotely annoying such as a hyper puppy would set him off, and once bowzer's little red light went on, it was impossible to pull him out of it. Bowzer wore an e-collar anytime he was in the presences of other dogs, to remind him that I expected his tolerance to be very high, and indeed it was very successful. Without the e collar though, his tolerance was extremly low, and he would growl or lunge at just about any dog that greeted him.
Bowzer was never possessive with me, but with other people he would be. I had to start telling people not to pet him at the dog park, because when people did, if another dog approached he would growl at the dog, Bowzer was always great at warning with a growl, but his growls were never bluffs. Bowzer was attacked by another bull terrier before simply because the owner was petting him and not their dog, before he ever began this behavior, so perhaps it was his way of protecting himself at first, and turned into habit. Due to the incidents Bowzer had growing up I believe it caused him to be a bit paranoid and on edge, something he never recovered from, but instead escalated to down right intolerable to outside dogs. I knew what dogs irritated him, and what dogs to keep him away from, females he tolerated more, though he wouldn't hesitate to fight with a bitch intact or not, if the invite was there. He was intact for three years before I neutered him, which absolutely didn't change any of his behaviors.
Bowzer's selective human aggression worsened. Sometimes I would have no idea what set him off. He would love a new person right away, espechially if they were dog people and greeted him confidently. But if someone was nervous or hesitant, he would immediantly react. The hair on the ridge of his back would stick strait up, his body low, his tail tucked, he would run backwards and than run towards them, growling and barking in the most nerve racking way possible. No matter the times I would attempt to work with him on this, he could never grasp it, he was more set in his ways than any dog i've met, because he simply was sometimes not all there. People carrying large objects, chairs, even a woman carrying bubble wrap set him off into a frenzy, no e collar or anything I did would work, no cookie in his face, I could wave a steak and it wouldnt faze him. Sometimes the most dangerous dogs are the ones we can not predict, some dogs are just obvious, no cats, no dogs, but Bowzer on the other hand was different. He picked and chose who he liked and who he didnt like, and it was often at total random.
I went over it several times in my head, to rehome him. I talked to many people and the more I told them about Bowzer and his issues, the faster they disappeared. Calling him Bi-polar, I began to realize he was. Knowing I wanted to show dogs more, get more bull terriers, including males, I thought finding him a more suitable home would be better. But it turned out to be down right impossible, and as time went on, It felt risky, and dangerous. I felt it would be irresponsible to re-home a dog who growled when I told him "no", selectively chose people to be aggressive towards, and a dog whom could never be trusted with a cat, dog or child. I could never trust him in those situations, knowing he reacted differently a hundred different times. I knew I could contain him, I knew what usually set him off, I knew him very well. But as his issues grew more and more challenging, growling at me, growling at my boyfriend, I knew things for Bowzer were beginning to look bleak. Due to people coming over often, I lived with a roommate as well, Bowzer could not be trusted inside the house all the time, he was always only in a kennel. It became eventually that he was mainly outside. The more bull terriers I purchased and brought into my home, the more I realized just how abnormal his behavior was, none of my other dogs did anything like what he did. I purchased a new male, he lived peacefully until my male turned around a year. He began growling at him for no reason at all, and I generally kept the two mostly apart due to not wanting my new male to pick up any of his behaviors.
I met a guy I wanted to re-home Bowzer too, the guy was great, no children, no other pets, just wanted a bull terrier to hang with. When the two met Bowzer was focused on his ball and the man continued to try to get Bowzer's attention, trying to pull bowzer into him for a hug, to rough house with Bowzer, despite my suggestion not to. Well, needless to say Bowzer bit him, lucky for him his teeth were all broken and worn down due to years of chewing on tennis balls. But left a soft ball sized bruise on his leg. I was devastated, I had been so careful as to never let something like that happen, and even with the bite, the guy still wanted to keep him, I denied him the adoption. Bowzer was not adoptable, even though I kept looking I knew I would never actually do it, I would never ever feel 100% safe about Bowzer going somewhere else. All I would think is the new owner would slip up, he would get out, he would kill someones dog or severely injure a person. The thoughts ran over and over in my head, he was my responsibility, and even if he was gone, I would never forgive myself if it happened. Maybe I blamed myself for the way he was, sometimes I blame myself a little, but raising several more bullies since him that were nothing like him in temperament, I knew it couldn't have all just been me. Bowzer was so inconsistent at times, he lived with an older senior male dog, he used to live with a chihuahua and a cat, he lived with 2 female bull terriers and in the past many dogs had come to stay with us for a short time, that he also lived peacefully with. He was mostly civil with my other male who was young and intact and full of energy.
Bowzer was a great guard dog, I knew if he was with me I was fully safe. Years of living with him under many different circumstances, I knew he would do what ever needed to keep me safe. He was always great at that, even if I didnt need it with multiple dogs and a good sized boyfriend at my side. But there came I time I didn't need him to be like this, I needed him to be normal, to be docile. At some point, when you have worked with a dog for most or all of his life on specific issues the dog has and he just can not change, you begin to think he just can't change. Good dogs aren't full of nerves, they are not bi polar and they are not selective. They shouldn't pick or chose who they want to kiss or who they want to bite. Maybe in other breeds bred for protection and guarding it's acceptable , but the bull terrier is not supposed to have that kind of temperament, they are supposed to be stable.
As selfish as it sounds, or perhaps it is, I began to become exhausted with Bowzers behavior, at nearing five years of age, I had stopped trying to domesticate him on his quirks. I found my self angry with him all the time, and putting him in the yard and not dealing with him. So many nights I cried just wishing he would change the way he was, but he couldn't. As time goes on and most of my time is spent working with my stable dogs, I start to realize his way of life was deteriating. Not only did his mother who had him for 5 years slowly stop paying attention to him, but his issues with my other male were only going to worsen, as he started growling more frequent at him, and my other female. Probably because he was not exercised and pent up. You can only work with a bi polar, selectively aggressive and unpredictable dog so much before you just plain dont want to anymore. I loved him, he was my first, he taught me lessons on life you dont learn any other way besides with this kind of dog, he taught me to control my temper, breath deep, and to pick my battles. Despite the issues he had, he had been with me from boyfriend to boyfriend, from state to state, from so many ups and downs and I always told him, we'd be together forever. But sometimes those promises are given without knowing what the future would hold. Some may think I wanted to get rid of my dog because I had new dogs I was spending time with, and thats simply not the case. I simply felt Bowzer was going to leave this world early because he was risky, dangerous, and unpredictable. The only thing I knew for sure about Bowzer was to keep him safely contained. I couldn't take him to events, pet stores, on walks, his phobias made him almost impossible to take out of the house, and his aggression made him dangerous.
I made the decision to put Bowzer to sleep a long time ago. The fact is, I continued to put it off for more than year because of how much I loved him. I continued to say to myself, he is not that bad, or, I will wait until he gives me a more definite reason to put him down. It wasn't until someone said to me 'why wait until he does something really bad, or hurts someone or another dog to make that decision, because you will never forgive yourself for letting that happen because you knew better.' And she was absolutely right, I would hate myself because I knew he was dangerous and i let something happen. It's just so hard on a dog that's not consistent, they have good days and bad ones, you forget for awhile how they are, than they do something and you think to yourself what have I been doing all this time? Sure I can contain him, I can put him in an outside kennel run secure from my other dogs, secure from people, I can take him out sometimes and play with him, I could give him a pretty decent life for how he is. But being someone who keeps the dogs as indoor pets and not outside prisoners, I didn't want to think of him living that way. I didn't want to know he was outside, getting less love, getting less attention, getting less play time than my other, normal dogs. I felt he would be neglected that way, and it just wouldn't be fair, wouldn't be right.
Some times we cant help but humanize our pets, sometimes I think he hears me put the other dogs in the car and drive to the park, and I wonder if he wishes he can come to. These kinds of things are what kills me inside, knowing his life is not at its best. People may think its not right to put your dog to sleep for aggression, they think we should accept them, keep them, rehome them. But I will not be responsible for the risk of something happening, I will say goodbye to my dog. The time has come that I must say good bye to Bowzer. A dog I have loved for 5 years now and a dog that taught me more things about life than any other dog ever can or will. A dog who continued to teach me for years, and one I will continue to learn from after he's gone. A dog who could have 10 more possible years to live, but because of the cards he was delt in his life, his life will be cut short. Putting off his euthanasia for so long proves how much I love him, I have always been an advocate for putting down dogs who were dangerous, unstable and unpredictable, but I could never find the strength to do it to me own dog. In denial for so long, I always knew in my heart what the answer truly was.
The day was set for Bowzer to go to heaven, I went outside, threw his ball for him and leashed him and brought him to my car. We drove to the vet, me silent the whole ride. I spoke to the receptionist, I filled out the paperwork. Bowzer growled at a man in the lobby, which of course for him, was not abnormal. The vet was very kind and I talked to her briefly about him, but I could barely make eye contact with her, because I was inches from losing it. She took Bowzer's leash and I said to Bowzer 'be a good boy, go with her.' He walked and stopped, and looked back at me, I will never forget him looking back at me, his face filled with concern. Dog's can sense those things, he knew something wasn't right. About 15 minutes late they brought him out to me, he was already gone, I didn't want to be present because I knew me being upset would only scare him more. The vet left me alone with my lifeless dog so I could say good bye to him. I hugged his face, I told him how sorry I was and that I loved him. Broken down and red in the face I left the office, got in my car and cryed the whole way home. I cried at home, I laid in bed and cried. And as I write this I am still crying. Bowzer had no future with me, and he had not future with anyone else. I never thought this would happen. I will always blame myself for the way he was sometimes, I will always know it wasn't just me that caused him to be the way he was, many things were a factor. He will always be in my heart, I will always remember his face, his smile, how much he loved to chase the ball, when he was happy and when he was good. I will try not to remember the things that brought to him an early end. My boy I love you, and in heaven there is no fear, no anger, no bad people, no fights. There is only love and happiness and the people you love, we will see each other again, and I long for that moment.
Bowzer was mainly normal for most of his adolescent life, except for a few concerns here and there. I was no expert, he was my first bullie and I made a few mistakes. I taught Bowzer many things, how to sit for a treat, how to hold a cookie on his nose, how to jump on command, chase a ball, weight pull, hang from a rope hung from a tree. But there were things I just couldn't teach Bowzer, things that he just was not capable of grasping.
I think some things Bowzer experienced in time did help mold him into the dog he became. While, I still firmly believe a truly stable dog should be able to bounce back, some dogs are just genetically predisposed to being a certain way. As an adolescent he lunged at a child, narrowly missing her to my extreme shock , granted the child was running strait at him, yelling "DOGGIE" it didn't help calm my nerves that my dog just almost grabbed a child. I worked on his issues with children, taking him to parks, keeping him at a distance while the children would pet my other, perfectly stable pit bull/english pointer mix. He did actually get over his fear of children, one of few accomplishments of his time. He did not however, recover from his fear of parking lots, where heavy traffic was, carts and moving vehicles, and he still trembled greatly at the site and sound of a skate board. To help him with the skate board phobia, I took one out, played on it, and encouraged him to check it out, he attempted to bite at it, was confident and not insecure. But if a different child rode by on one, the sky was most definitely falling.
He had a few occasions been wrongfully attacked by other dogs, times where he was looking the other way, and basically jumped. Bowzer was never INNOCENT with other dogs, he was never one to back down from a good fight, but before he ever learned to be that way, he had those experiences. His selective dog aggression continued to escalate through out the years, any dog in a muzzle was an immediate threat because every time a dog was wearing one, it meant to him, bodily harm.
I worked for a vet clinic for a few years where Bowzer spent a large portion of his life. I remember my vet telling me Bowzer would grow up angry and lost because he was taken too early as a puppy, perhaps it did play a part, but again, a dog with great genetics is not so easily switched over from sane, to not so sane simply by an early departure. Many times pups are born into a life without siblings, and they don't all just go mad. At the clinic I worked for my main vet was a teacher for new vets out of school. We had several learning from him at a time and this one, in particular caused Bowzer to lunge and growl while in the kennel at work. The vet said to me once 'I like your dogs, but that black dog, that one I don't like, he barks too much.' I laughed it off, later I would realize, the feeling was mutual.
Bowzer had been in a fight with my other dog at the time, and was badly injured, I took him to work to see if he needed a drain, and to have it shaved and cleaned. Three vets from our hospital were circled around Bowzer taking turns examining his wounds, for educational purposes I suppose. Bowzer was fine, happy and nonchalant. It did change when the doctor who had said prior to not liking Bowzer walked passed him, and my dog went through the roof. He attempted to jump off the exam table, made direct eye contact with the doctor and growled and barked as if he was some sort of police dog after a criminal. Startled I held him back and the doctor had a look on his face that he was just caught red handed. There was no doubt in my mind at this point, this doctor had been antagonizing my dog and I just never caught him. No way Bowzer would pick one person out of four, single him out as if to say 'im out of the cage now big guy, come give me the time of day!' Sometimes the proof is in the dog.
Years went by and I continued to handle Bowzer and his special "quirks" as I called it. Some of the strangest things would set him off. At one point in his life he stopped taking his reprimanding with a low head and ears back to a firm growl when ever he felt I was mad or irritated with him. Nothing I did curbed the behavior, and I did try anything. At dog parks he had been in several fights, with the majority of the time him NOT being the instigator but reacting to abuse. His selective dog aggression got to the point that anything even remotely annoying such as a hyper puppy would set him off, and once bowzer's little red light went on, it was impossible to pull him out of it. Bowzer wore an e-collar anytime he was in the presences of other dogs, to remind him that I expected his tolerance to be very high, and indeed it was very successful. Without the e collar though, his tolerance was extremly low, and he would growl or lunge at just about any dog that greeted him.
Bowzer was never possessive with me, but with other people he would be. I had to start telling people not to pet him at the dog park, because when people did, if another dog approached he would growl at the dog, Bowzer was always great at warning with a growl, but his growls were never bluffs. Bowzer was attacked by another bull terrier before simply because the owner was petting him and not their dog, before he ever began this behavior, so perhaps it was his way of protecting himself at first, and turned into habit. Due to the incidents Bowzer had growing up I believe it caused him to be a bit paranoid and on edge, something he never recovered from, but instead escalated to down right intolerable to outside dogs. I knew what dogs irritated him, and what dogs to keep him away from, females he tolerated more, though he wouldn't hesitate to fight with a bitch intact or not, if the invite was there. He was intact for three years before I neutered him, which absolutely didn't change any of his behaviors.
Bowzer's selective human aggression worsened. Sometimes I would have no idea what set him off. He would love a new person right away, espechially if they were dog people and greeted him confidently. But if someone was nervous or hesitant, he would immediantly react. The hair on the ridge of his back would stick strait up, his body low, his tail tucked, he would run backwards and than run towards them, growling and barking in the most nerve racking way possible. No matter the times I would attempt to work with him on this, he could never grasp it, he was more set in his ways than any dog i've met, because he simply was sometimes not all there. People carrying large objects, chairs, even a woman carrying bubble wrap set him off into a frenzy, no e collar or anything I did would work, no cookie in his face, I could wave a steak and it wouldnt faze him. Sometimes the most dangerous dogs are the ones we can not predict, some dogs are just obvious, no cats, no dogs, but Bowzer on the other hand was different. He picked and chose who he liked and who he didnt like, and it was often at total random.
I went over it several times in my head, to rehome him. I talked to many people and the more I told them about Bowzer and his issues, the faster they disappeared. Calling him Bi-polar, I began to realize he was. Knowing I wanted to show dogs more, get more bull terriers, including males, I thought finding him a more suitable home would be better. But it turned out to be down right impossible, and as time went on, It felt risky, and dangerous. I felt it would be irresponsible to re-home a dog who growled when I told him "no", selectively chose people to be aggressive towards, and a dog whom could never be trusted with a cat, dog or child. I could never trust him in those situations, knowing he reacted differently a hundred different times. I knew I could contain him, I knew what usually set him off, I knew him very well. But as his issues grew more and more challenging, growling at me, growling at my boyfriend, I knew things for Bowzer were beginning to look bleak. Due to people coming over often, I lived with a roommate as well, Bowzer could not be trusted inside the house all the time, he was always only in a kennel. It became eventually that he was mainly outside. The more bull terriers I purchased and brought into my home, the more I realized just how abnormal his behavior was, none of my other dogs did anything like what he did. I purchased a new male, he lived peacefully until my male turned around a year. He began growling at him for no reason at all, and I generally kept the two mostly apart due to not wanting my new male to pick up any of his behaviors.
I met a guy I wanted to re-home Bowzer too, the guy was great, no children, no other pets, just wanted a bull terrier to hang with. When the two met Bowzer was focused on his ball and the man continued to try to get Bowzer's attention, trying to pull bowzer into him for a hug, to rough house with Bowzer, despite my suggestion not to. Well, needless to say Bowzer bit him, lucky for him his teeth were all broken and worn down due to years of chewing on tennis balls. But left a soft ball sized bruise on his leg. I was devastated, I had been so careful as to never let something like that happen, and even with the bite, the guy still wanted to keep him, I denied him the adoption. Bowzer was not adoptable, even though I kept looking I knew I would never actually do it, I would never ever feel 100% safe about Bowzer going somewhere else. All I would think is the new owner would slip up, he would get out, he would kill someones dog or severely injure a person. The thoughts ran over and over in my head, he was my responsibility, and even if he was gone, I would never forgive myself if it happened. Maybe I blamed myself for the way he was, sometimes I blame myself a little, but raising several more bullies since him that were nothing like him in temperament, I knew it couldn't have all just been me. Bowzer was so inconsistent at times, he lived with an older senior male dog, he used to live with a chihuahua and a cat, he lived with 2 female bull terriers and in the past many dogs had come to stay with us for a short time, that he also lived peacefully with. He was mostly civil with my other male who was young and intact and full of energy.
Bowzer was a great guard dog, I knew if he was with me I was fully safe. Years of living with him under many different circumstances, I knew he would do what ever needed to keep me safe. He was always great at that, even if I didnt need it with multiple dogs and a good sized boyfriend at my side. But there came I time I didn't need him to be like this, I needed him to be normal, to be docile. At some point, when you have worked with a dog for most or all of his life on specific issues the dog has and he just can not change, you begin to think he just can't change. Good dogs aren't full of nerves, they are not bi polar and they are not selective. They shouldn't pick or chose who they want to kiss or who they want to bite. Maybe in other breeds bred for protection and guarding it's acceptable , but the bull terrier is not supposed to have that kind of temperament, they are supposed to be stable.
As selfish as it sounds, or perhaps it is, I began to become exhausted with Bowzers behavior, at nearing five years of age, I had stopped trying to domesticate him on his quirks. I found my self angry with him all the time, and putting him in the yard and not dealing with him. So many nights I cried just wishing he would change the way he was, but he couldn't. As time goes on and most of my time is spent working with my stable dogs, I start to realize his way of life was deteriating. Not only did his mother who had him for 5 years slowly stop paying attention to him, but his issues with my other male were only going to worsen, as he started growling more frequent at him, and my other female. Probably because he was not exercised and pent up. You can only work with a bi polar, selectively aggressive and unpredictable dog so much before you just plain dont want to anymore. I loved him, he was my first, he taught me lessons on life you dont learn any other way besides with this kind of dog, he taught me to control my temper, breath deep, and to pick my battles. Despite the issues he had, he had been with me from boyfriend to boyfriend, from state to state, from so many ups and downs and I always told him, we'd be together forever. But sometimes those promises are given without knowing what the future would hold. Some may think I wanted to get rid of my dog because I had new dogs I was spending time with, and thats simply not the case. I simply felt Bowzer was going to leave this world early because he was risky, dangerous, and unpredictable. The only thing I knew for sure about Bowzer was to keep him safely contained. I couldn't take him to events, pet stores, on walks, his phobias made him almost impossible to take out of the house, and his aggression made him dangerous.
I made the decision to put Bowzer to sleep a long time ago. The fact is, I continued to put it off for more than year because of how much I loved him. I continued to say to myself, he is not that bad, or, I will wait until he gives me a more definite reason to put him down. It wasn't until someone said to me 'why wait until he does something really bad, or hurts someone or another dog to make that decision, because you will never forgive yourself for letting that happen because you knew better.' And she was absolutely right, I would hate myself because I knew he was dangerous and i let something happen. It's just so hard on a dog that's not consistent, they have good days and bad ones, you forget for awhile how they are, than they do something and you think to yourself what have I been doing all this time? Sure I can contain him, I can put him in an outside kennel run secure from my other dogs, secure from people, I can take him out sometimes and play with him, I could give him a pretty decent life for how he is. But being someone who keeps the dogs as indoor pets and not outside prisoners, I didn't want to think of him living that way. I didn't want to know he was outside, getting less love, getting less attention, getting less play time than my other, normal dogs. I felt he would be neglected that way, and it just wouldn't be fair, wouldn't be right.
Some times we cant help but humanize our pets, sometimes I think he hears me put the other dogs in the car and drive to the park, and I wonder if he wishes he can come to. These kinds of things are what kills me inside, knowing his life is not at its best. People may think its not right to put your dog to sleep for aggression, they think we should accept them, keep them, rehome them. But I will not be responsible for the risk of something happening, I will say goodbye to my dog. The time has come that I must say good bye to Bowzer. A dog I have loved for 5 years now and a dog that taught me more things about life than any other dog ever can or will. A dog who continued to teach me for years, and one I will continue to learn from after he's gone. A dog who could have 10 more possible years to live, but because of the cards he was delt in his life, his life will be cut short. Putting off his euthanasia for so long proves how much I love him, I have always been an advocate for putting down dogs who were dangerous, unstable and unpredictable, but I could never find the strength to do it to me own dog. In denial for so long, I always knew in my heart what the answer truly was.
The day was set for Bowzer to go to heaven, I went outside, threw his ball for him and leashed him and brought him to my car. We drove to the vet, me silent the whole ride. I spoke to the receptionist, I filled out the paperwork. Bowzer growled at a man in the lobby, which of course for him, was not abnormal. The vet was very kind and I talked to her briefly about him, but I could barely make eye contact with her, because I was inches from losing it. She took Bowzer's leash and I said to Bowzer 'be a good boy, go with her.' He walked and stopped, and looked back at me, I will never forget him looking back at me, his face filled with concern. Dog's can sense those things, he knew something wasn't right. About 15 minutes late they brought him out to me, he was already gone, I didn't want to be present because I knew me being upset would only scare him more. The vet left me alone with my lifeless dog so I could say good bye to him. I hugged his face, I told him how sorry I was and that I loved him. Broken down and red in the face I left the office, got in my car and cryed the whole way home. I cried at home, I laid in bed and cried. And as I write this I am still crying. Bowzer had no future with me, and he had not future with anyone else. I never thought this would happen. I will always blame myself for the way he was sometimes, I will always know it wasn't just me that caused him to be the way he was, many things were a factor. He will always be in my heart, I will always remember his face, his smile, how much he loved to chase the ball, when he was happy and when he was good. I will try not to remember the things that brought to him an early end. My boy I love you, and in heaven there is no fear, no anger, no bad people, no fights. There is only love and happiness and the people you love, we will see each other again, and I long for that moment.
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Comments
You cannot blame yourself for how he acted. you cannot blame yourself for having to make the decision you made. you cannot feel bad for it. things happen we cannot control, we cannot control any living thing as unfortunatle as it is and no matter how hard we try.
i know exactly how you feel, when i had Guinness, my heart told me to try harder, but my head told me not to, my head told me that he would never have a good quality life with me and that i would never feel safe iwth him, had the breeder not taken him back, i would have put him to sleep andh ad even talked to the vet about it before he went back.
Bowzer gave you the ability to understand better an this experience have given you strength to do things you didnt belive you could do. youll always love him, youll always remeber him for that wonderful dog he was deep down, underneath all that was going on with his head he couldnt control.
reading his and your story broke my heart, your a brave person and i hope you know that, you did what was best for HIM although it probably doesnt feel like it to you, what else could you have done other then keep him muzzled 24/7? thats no life for a dog, to be on guard all the time to be ready for a fight all of the time.
please take care of yourself, dont feel guilty about this decision, i do belive that our pets go onto a better place when they die, i belive there energys are reabsorbed into the earth and live enternally. Just take care of yourself right now, take some time to just Mourn him and your loss, cry untill you cannot cry anymore, and take any comfort you can get shamelessly.
Bowzer is alright now and i hope you get to see him again in your dreams real soon so he can show you just how fine he really is!
given you strength to do things you didnt belive you could do. youll
always love him, youll always remeber him for that wonderful dog he was
deep down, underneath all that was going on with his head he couldnt
control."
I couldnt have said it better myself, thank you Kimberly. It's going to take some adjusting, all I can see is his face looking back at me as he walked out the door with the vet.
That story made me tear up. Danielle I'm so sorry to hear what you had to go through and I'm not talking about dealing with his bad nature. I'm talking about falling in love with a bad natured dog that tugged at your heart for a long time. You grew to have an attachment to a dog that obviously had serious mental issues that no medication or training could completely cure. Owning him obviously meant carrying an overwhelming sense of worry for the well being of other people and animals that Bowzer would not accept. Having to segregate him with your other dogs and isolate him during many occasions only added to the stress of raising a dog like he was.
You explained your reasons for the decision to put Bowzer down and I don't think too many people could disagree with you. Socializing puppies with their siblings during the 4-8 week timeline in their life is very important for their future social skills. Bowzer never had that. He was a loaded gun from the beginning.
"It's not just a Dog, it's a Bull Terrier!"
www.bulliesofnc.com
All of us am sure have lost our fair share of human family members, but when we lost our Donna last October after 14 blessed years, I'm afraid to say that the pain and loss was greater, much greater than I had felt with human family. I can relate to each and all of your emotions. As a kid we had a Dalmatian that was hell bent on fighting... He dug 3ft deep under the 8ft high walls the family had put up, virtually weekly he came back home torn and bloodied, and neighbors drove up to drop off vets bills for the similar damage he had inflicted. He just knew there was some dog out there that he could find and confront. We all loved him dearly as he was a totally different animal with us all, but after about the 10th episode we had to put him down as we couldn't stand the ongoing violence he was causing himself and others.
I am sure each time this thread comes back you must feel the same stab in the chest we feel every time we think of Donna, which is still ALL the time. We had to put her down as she was suffering terribly from lung disease and we honestly were not sure whether we suffered more seeing her go through it or she coughing and wheezing blood for days. I have never loved anyone more. We built this shrine for her....it has her ashes, pictures, also in the frame above, and the draws below hold all her momentos & things... Even her baby teeth that we kept all those years.
I feel for you Danielle, they own our hearts here and there. You had to be, and need to remain strong.
Like someone said; popular belief is that dogs don't go to heaven.... Well, if that be the case, when I die, I want to go where they go......
Just saw that that is a crappy picture... I'll have to borrow your camera and take another.
So you have to believe that you sent him to a much better place, free of this life's torments, and ( when you find the map, share the route to dog heaven) ... When you meet him there, the pain of joy will be overwhelming.